Lana Lou

Dear Ilan,

Before you were born I had ideas about what I would call you, cute Ilan based nicknames like Illy and Illy-Bo. But in the hospital I started calling you Lana and Lani, and Lana Lou. I tried to fight it, because these nicknames sounded so girly to me. But I knew I had lost once I started making up silly Lana Lou songs. Then my Dad picked it up. Now, when Jay calls from work he says, "how is Lani Lou?" like he's asking after a Southern Belle.

That's when I knew it had stuck. Lana Lou doesn't sound so girly anymore. It just sounds like you.

I'd forgotten so much about babies - the way your face can grow over the space of a nap, the jerky way you move your arms, the thrill of hearing your name in someone else's mouth. The way you look at me and growl, one last time, before burying your face in my breast to nurse, just to make sure I know that I've made you wait too long.

It's easy to make you smile. You love laying on the changing table, looking at the bird decals on the wall. You love when your big brother pretends to eat your fingers and toes. You love taking showers with Daddy. And you love Bee, a hand-me-down rattle that can make you happy when nothing else can.

Bottles and pacifiers make you mad. So does Tummy Time. Even Bee has a hard time bringing you back from Tummy Time.

The most fun you've had was when we all took a bubble bath and Roan spent the whole time playing with you. You smiled and cooed through everything and cried when I took you out. You love getting such focused attention from Roan. I can already sense how your relationship with him is a separate thing, and how I might parent it, as if it were a third child.

We are falling into a bedtime routine. I read you Dear Zoo a few times. You like the snake best. Or sometimes you lay in bed with Roan while I read his bedtime stories - you smile when I show you the pictures. Then Daddy takes you down to the Man Cave where you yell at him for a while before passing out in his arms.

When you wake up I am almost always happy to see you, even if you've only slept a few hours. I know the night feedings will pass. You will get bigger and sleep longer. I know it will get better. I've seen, with your brother, how good it gets.

Happy 12 weeks, Ilani Lou.