Dirty Little Secret

Dear Roan,

Disappointed parents are everywhere. When I had you I finally understood. I looked into your tiny face and I knew with more surety than I'd ever known anything that you are capable of truly incredible things. As you've grown that belief has not faded, it's only become more specific. I watch you ride your bike (technically a trike) and I am convinced you will be a teenaged BMX superstar. I see your attention to puzzles and think you will grow up to be an engineer. You love to study the way things work, and with your focus I believe you will become an inventor, toiling away with single-minded dedication until you come up with something that completely changes the way we all live. Your potential is so great, so unchartered, so ineffable, that I lack the imagination to fully understand it. You will do things that are so incredible that my ordinary mind simply can't conceive of them. In my heart of hearts, this is how I feel.

In this Roan, you will probably disappoint me. Because I'm beginning to suspect something. I'm beginning to suspect that my parents may have felt the same way about me. I'm told that I was a lot like you as a kid. Bright, attentive, kind of a loner, and very very focused. And I've grown up to lead a fairly ordinary life. I have a stimulating job, a husband that I love, friends that I wish I saw more often, bicycles that constantly need tinkering, books that constantly need reading, and you. Most of the time I feel exceptionally lucky. I try not to take anything for granted. But the bottom line is that I will pass through this world having made little impact. Is this the life my parents dreamed I would have when they dreamed the far-fetched dreams of proud parents everywhere? Probably not.

There is just no way you can live up to the hopes that I have for you. It's just not possible. And it's not easy, living under the weight of your parents' disappointment, even when that disappointment is small and well hidden. Please understand it's not you, you are not lacking. It's me. I want too much for you. I want you to validate my life, and shine so bright that it burns away any disappointment I've ever felt over anything. It's too much to ask. But here I am, like a typical rookie parent, asking.

In this, I hope you have the presence of mind to tune me out.