Developmental Milestones

There are thousands of books and websites devoted to your baby's developmental milestones - but what about the developmental milestones for new moms? By 6 months our babies should be sitting up, but what about us? What should we be doing? Based on my own experiences, I've put together the following guidelines.

First Month

Sometime during this period your partner will go to work and your parents/siblings/baby support staff will all go home and you will realize that there is no one to fetch you water while you are marooned on the couch for what seems like the 90th endless breastfeeding session of the day. You will seriously consider moving in with your mother.

Health Watch: You will wonder if it is okay to hold your baby while you use the bathroom. It is okay. Everyone I know does this. Your hair will fall out in alarming hunks, which is also okay.

Reality Check: Due to lack of sleep, you may lose track of what day it is. So don't be surprised if you show up on Tuesday for a support group scheduled for Thursday. Tuesday never seems to end when you don't sleep through any of it.

Coping Methods Appropriate for 1 Month: Telling off the well-meaning delivery guy when he asks how far along you are.

Milestones by the End of this Period: Go a full 24 hours without calling your mom.

Second Month

Pushing a stroller takes practice. It is an important motor skill that you and your partner will master sometime this month. Until then, you will continually push your baby into planters and stoops and brick walls.

Health Watch: It is important to go outside at least once a day. It will give you the same sense of structure that you used to get from daily routines that have gone missing, like sleeping and eating. Then your day won’t feel like a shapeless mess; it will be organized into “Before I Went Outside” and “After I Went Outside.”

Reality Check: You will realize that it was inappropriate to have ordered your in-laws around so much during the first month, and that you should have made better efforts to cover your boobs. This realization will not stop you from treating your partner like a slave.

Coping Methods Appropriate for 2 Months: Hideous amounts of non-dairy ice cream, which doesn't even taste good, but you eat out of habit.

Milestones by the End of this Period: Put on a pair of pants that are neither pajama pants, sweat pants, or your partner's old jeans.

Third Month

Sometime during this period you will begin to accomplish with ease tasks that used to seem impossible. Like strapping your baby into the car seat. This used to be a 15 minute operation when you factor in wailing, squirming, and an emergency diaper change; it now takes only 5 minutes and nobody cries. Your baby can suck harder and eat faster, so it won't feel like you spend 90% of your time feeding him. And most importantly, you will master the art of breastfeeding laying down, enabling you to nap through your baby's most epic feeds.

Health Watch: You may think you are ready to re-enter the adult world, but beware of big gaps in your conversation potential: if it happened during the last three months, you don't know about it.

Reality Check: No one at work wants to hear detailed accounts of your baby’s bowel movements.

Coping Methods Appropriate for 3 Months: Making lewd gestures at Purple Sweater Guy, who works across the street and always stares at you when you pump.

Milestones by the End of this Period: Try on select pre-pregnancy clothing without crying.

Fourth Month

It's great to be back in the office, though you always want to know what your partner and the baby are doing. You finally come home to find your partner staring intently at the baby saying "Dad-dy" over and over again. You suspect they have been doing this all day.

Health Watch: Keep in mind that no one has ever died from sleep deprivation. Your youth, beauty, and good humor will all die; but whatever is left of you will live on.

Reality Check: At 4AM it might seem like a good idea to donate your baby to the Department of Homeland Security, so he can put his torture technique to good use; but once you get enough sleep to regain your sanity you would surely regret this.

Coping Methods Appropriate for 4 Months: Smirking at childless people who complain about not having enough time for themselves.

Milestones by the End of this Period: When away from the baby at work - go 3 hours without calling your partner and asking for an update.

Fifth Month

You are ready to resume a social life. You decide that the next time someone invites you to a party, you will be reckless and say, Yes! Days go by; no one invites you anywhere. Meeting a colleague for drinks becomes the primary social event of your week. You fixate on it like it was a summer vacation.

Health Watch: Maybe you used to have a high tolerance, but keep in mind that you haven't drank in earnest for over a year, so a third glass of wine is definitely a bad idea.

Reality Check: Most people don't spend an entire day preparing for an hour long drinks date, so you might want to downplay your efforts.

Coping Methods Appropriate for 5 Months: Wine and beer.

Milestones by the End of this Period: Become reacquainted with your make-up bag.

Sixth Month

You will spend one frantic day childproofing the apartment before your suddenly crawling baby can get into serious trouble. You will make your partner move his crib down in the middle of the night, because all of a sudden, your baby is capable of escape. To encourage language development, your partner will insist that when the baby makes a noise like "ga," you say words that begin with "G," bringing all conversation with your baby to a grinding halt.

Health Watch: Why is it so hard to think of "G" words on the spot? You are stumped after "green," and "goo." Are you losing your mind? You will finally come up with "giant" and "germ," and your partner will scold you because those words start with soft Gs, and aren't appropriate.

Reality Check: There are actually hundreds and hundreds of words that start with "G."

Coping Methods Appropriate for 6 months: Racking your brain for a word that starts with "G" and means "know-it-all."

Milestones by the End of this Period: The trauma of childbirth has faded and there are moments so swollen with heart cracking happiness that you finally can understand why some people have more than one child.

Second Play "Date"

Roan: This is a great movie.

Mia: Why haven't you called me?

Roan: I tried to call you, like, a hundred times, but here's the thing:  I think my parents gave me a fake cell phone.  

Mia:  Oh really.  You expect me to believe that?

Roan:  I'm serious.  I can't get any numbers to work.  I've been trying to order a pizza for weeks.

Mia:  Whatever.  Let's just watch the movie.

Roan: Okay.  I'm not lying about the cell phone though, I'm sure it's a decoy...

Mia: I don't want to hear your excuses.  Turn up the volume.

Roan: Well, that's the other thing. I think my parents gave me a fake remote.

Roan: A Retrospective

Roan is half a year old. To celebrate this milestone, I've put together a photo exhibition, looking back on his life so far.  

Circa three weeks ago

c. 5 Months

c. 4 Months

c. 3 Months

c. 2 Months

c. 6 Weeks

c. 2 Weeks

c. 2 days

c. Brand New

Word of the Day

Today we had to come up with a new title for one of my author's books, and one suggestion was:

Derangerous

It was the last in a long list of possibilities, and when I got to it I couldn't stop laughing.  My coworkers wanted to know: "What's so funny?"  And I told them.  And when I said it out loud I lost control.  Is it really that hilarious, or was I just hard up for a laugh?

As I walked home I kept thinking:

Derangerous

and laughing out loud on the street.  And when I got home I saw the Robot.  Jay had bought him knee pads.  He came for me, and I couldn't help but think he was extremely:

Derangerous

It's like he was method acting and the mood he evoked was:

Derangerous

When Babies Compete

Each baby has a toy.   They seem satisfied.

Kiran tries a sneak attack, but Roan sees it coming and moves his toy to safety

And they're off!

Chubby arms slap the floor

Mouths open in anticipation

They struggle for control...

Kiran wins this round, but Roan is plotting his coup

This was a watershed moment for Roan.  In the past, he's sat passively by while older babies who'd mastered the use of their opposable thumbs stole his toys.  He never got upset; he just watched them with something like admiration.  Literally, he took it laying down.  But this weekend he fought back.  We were proud.

If Kiran and Roan are half as competitive as their fathers, the rivalry has just begun.

Pea Aftermath

Roan had his first mashed peas today.  To change up the delivery method, I sat on the floor with the bowl of peas and ate some.  Predictably, Ro came right over, pulled the bowl away from me, and slobbered on it.  In the process, he ate some peas.  He liked them.  (I did too).  I offered him some on a spoon, and he opened his mouth wide.  He rolled them around on his tongue, and swallowed something like 5%.  He removed the remaining 95% with his hand and rubbed them on the floor.

A Good Nap

Picnic

On Mother's Day we had a picnic.  It was very windy, so the pop-up tent we brought to shade Roan blew away as soon as it popped up.  This cut the picnic short, because babies are like vampires - they can't be exposed to direct sunlight.  But we stayed long enough to let Roan play in what must be the best grass in all of Manhattan:

Breaking News

From cnnbc video, this shocking sound bite:

"A new study confirms that pulling your hair back into a ponytail is not the same thing as taking a shower."

I don't know about other new moms, but that study just dealt my personal hygiene a crushing blow.  Next they will tell us that eating your baby's left over mashed sweet potatoes is not the same thing as lunch, and waking up every two hours at night is not the same thing as sleep.

A word to describe someone sans children who acts like this (doesn't shower or sleep, eats baby food) might be "eccentric," or "bag lady."  But when this same behavior is observed in mothers, we call it "love."

Happy Mothers Day!

Safety Hazards

We are sleep training, again, so the Robot is super cranky.  We tried everything to make him happy, but none of our old standbys worked.  We danced to his favorite show tunes, looked out the window, put him in his Einstein 2 (aka The Amusement Park), read his favorite books, let him play with the faucet, and even gave him control of the remote.  We have dozens of toys designed to make babies happy, and all of them failed.  Finally, I gave him a large plastic bag with this warning label:

Babies have horrible survival instincts.  In any given room, they are irresistibly drawn to whatever has the most potential to kill them.  Along with plastic bags, Roan is also obsessed with the blind cord, which he somehow wrapped around his neck yesterday.  When I unwrapped it, saving him from death by strangulation, he started to cry.

I know Roan can't read yet, but it seems like he is bent on proving these safety warnings wrong.  This plastic bag is absolutely a toy.  And it's the only toy that's made him happy all morning.

Comments

Last weekend I asked readers to comment on whether or not Roan needs a haircut.  And I was pretty miffed that no one did.  Not one single comment.  

Then I realized that the blog was set up so that you couldn't leave a comment unless you were a registered user... whatever that means.  I wish I could blame this on someone else (like if the blog had an HR department), but it was my fault.  I've now changed the settings so anyone can easily leave comments whenever they feel like it.

As the haircut debate rages on I welcome your feedback, provided that you agree with me.  If you side with Jay (cough cough, PamCakes), then your continued silence is appreciated.

Sweet Potatoes

Comic Relief

Giggler from Cameron McClure on Vimeo.

This is what Dads are for.

Hair Cut

Jay thinks Roan needs a haircut, because there is hair covering his ears. I disagree. His hair is perfect - why would we change it? Besides, Roan is descended from a long line of people with remarkably big ears. He's going to need the coverage.

But Jay is adamant about the haircut. He says, "I don't want my son looking like Oasis."

Right. I mean, who would want that for their child?

Jay says: "please don't tell me you want our son to have emo hair."

I say: "not exactly," because when Jay says emo he's thinking of this:

Clearly, this is a boy who has something to hide. Like his ears. He also looks like Shane from The L Word.

I say: "But our son is not getting a haircut like this:"

This man's ears are never bothered by his hair. But this small perk has cost him too far too much.

Just to put things in perspective, here is a close up of the Robot's contested hair:

Jay has threatened to cut it himself with our nail scissors. I have threatened to take the Robot and hitchhike to Argentina and not shower for weeks, until we both have dreadlocks. The argument escalates.

Roan seems to sense all the tension surrounding his hair. When he's eating he runs his fingers through his hair like he's savoring it:

He gives me a look that clearly says: "please don't let Daddy cut my hair."

So, Robo-blog readers, all 8 of you, we need your feedback. Jay and I can't resolve this issue on our own. Does Roan need a hair cut? Yes or no? Please comment.